That Truthful Tuesday Thing
- I love the journey I am on to build up a teaching farm and can’t wait for the endgame, but it does (and quite often) freak me out along the way. Money is a big part of that, fear of failure is another, the amount of time the journey is taking is the third.
- I’m still not better at believing people like me for me. That’s not a reflection on others, nor is it a means to fish for compliments. I accept it more these days, but the part of my brain that tries to deal with people rebels against it and tells me all the little horrible things that insecure brains tend to say.
- Related: I still find it easier to communicate online than in person. Yet, I always clog up when it comes to truly opening up and letting loose, sort of the opposite of the above problem where I think people will think I am insincere or just trying to get on their good side.
- I wish I had a personal assistant … who was a gifted physiotherapist and masseuse because my back is killing me.
- I would settle for a gifted masseuse
- I swear, I have a million things that go through my mind to post, but by the time I actually sit down to write them, they’re out of my head faster than a politician leaving a paparazzi infested strip club
- I’m starting to feel a little lost again. I need some wins.
- It’s half past midnight, so it is now Wednesday
This is me.
This is me at 6:34am on a Tuesday morning.
This is me supposedly a little more refreshed than normal because I slept in for an extra hour.
This is me starting to wonder if I can chew fast enough for the bite that I took.
This is me missing a lot of you wonderful people because I am too damned busy with work, three different courses (! I know, what the fuck was I thinking!?), trying to ready our house for sale and the day to day activities of life …
This is me whining.
This is me telling you all I am ok.
This is me missing you.
This is me.
Not ready, not ready, no time, not ready …
Status update: aaaaaaaaaargh!
We’re running around like a flock of heedless geese.
- Ingrid’s looking for work so hard she’s wearing out her keyboard
- between the two consulting gigs for work and my Dip Ag studies and my extra curricular studies and committees and the grant submissions, I have no time and no sleep
- I am drained, and exhausted and drained, and exhausted and tired and possibly suffering from short term memory loss due to being drained, and exhausted …
- Mum is in hospital and recovering from the operation to fuse her neck and insert a spinal cage … hopefully she’ll follow the doctor’s instructions and allow herself to recover well over the next 8 weeks.
- this also means dad needs as much support as possible from me and my sister over the next few months …
- we’re meant to be moving this weekend into the rental so we can sell the house, pay off one mortgage and then pay the architect to design the house that needs to be built on the farm …
- We haven’t started packing yet
- We haven’t organised trucks or anything
- I don’t think either of us *want* to move
- I miss a lot of you! I barely get a few moments in the morning or on the train to tumble :(
- I need the magic lotto numbers … or a miracle … I’ll take either.
- Did I mention argh!?
So, there.
Truthful Tuesday - Actually a Tuesday Edition
I suffer from mental illness. It is what it is. It’s also not fucking fun.
“polyamorous lifestyle”
It’s interesting, I never realised that the swingers had gone mainstream. I don’t have an issue with it per se, but it is surprising the number of visitors to my OK Cupid profile page have listed themselves under this title and are seeking to expand their … reach? harem? collection? what do you call it?
I don’t think I’m the type to be able to handle that well. I think I’m too needy of the hugging and loving and quality time.
Besides, even if I wanted to consider it, I have the feeling that Ingy is the eye-scratching, testecapitating, rip your heart out of your arse and stomp on it with high heels type …
Truthful Tuesday: Well, there you go! edition
I learnt something about myself today … Well, sort of. I knew it to a fair degree, but Ingrid highlighted it to me and expanded out my view of it. As I said, I always knew this, but she pointed out to me something, that yes, surprised even me.
I am in no way, shape, or form tolerant of BIGOTS.
She explained to me, that in the years we have known each other, she has watched me battle a fair bit of my angst against the “religious types” and she found that the common thread, was not as even I would expect, the matter of faith or what they actually believed, but in fact the underlying aspect that they were bigoted to their own views and refused to open up even an inch to explore another view. In short, they were bigoted and bigotry has a way of raising my hackles like very few things can.
Apparently old dogs can learn new things.
Truthful Tuesday
This is my first TT post on an actual Tuesday.
But that’s not what this post is about.
Truthful Tuesday
I love.
I love a lot.
I am genuine about that to those I make that apparent to.
In a seemingly cruel twist of fate, my chemical and mental composition is such that I cannot feel it back.
Maybe because of that, and the ever constant searching to feel it, and yes, to feel validated, I would give myself out to any who need it if I could.
But I can’t.
I wonder, more oft than not, if the feelings I feel are real or whether they are an extension of the behaviour I have learnt to replicate.
When I receive a comment that is obviously steeped in sincere and raw honest emotion, I cry.
I still don’t know if it’s because it touches me …
… or because I wish it would.
